


Awkward Dates and Apple Cakes

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, M/M, cupcakes!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-05-09 18:31:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5550893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider, and John Egbert is almost too fucking adorable for words. His dorky-ass glasses magnify his already-large blue eyes, and his enormous buck teeth give him an innocent, childlike look. His black hair is always in bedhead form, but it suits him. He's small, and slim, and snorts when he laughs, and he's adorable. More often than not, you find yourself wanting to kiss the shit out of him.</p><p>Not to mention that he's bringing you baked goods, for free. Shit doesn't get much cuter than that. </p><p>...Or maybe that's just your stomach talking; the details don't really matter to you all that much.</p><p>[SLOW UPDATES]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I'm an idiot and can't figure out how to use this damn site tO FIX IT SO THE HOMESTUCK SKIN HAPPENS

* * *

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:17 --

EB: hey dave!  
EB: just thought i'd check in and ask how you are  
EB: is your bro doing okay?  
EB: i heard about what happened, and i also wanted to say how sorry i am.  
EB: just message me if you ever want to talk!  
EB: i'm gonna sign off now, but i'm always here if you need me.  
TG: no wait  
TG: dont go yet  
EB: dave!  
EB: i haven't heard from you in two weeks!  
EB: you weren't even answering your phone!  
EB: rose had to tell me what was up!  
TG: yeah sorry about that dude  
TG: ive been pretty out of it lately  
EB: yeah. i would be too.  
EB: how's he doing?  
TG: better  
TG: theyre still not sure how hes gonna turn out tho  
EB: dave, i'm sorry.  
TG: nah dont be  
TG: not your fault anyway  
EB: want me to come over?  
EB: i could ask dad to make you some cupcakes!  
TG: youd endure the evil scent of batter and frosting smushed together in one sinful masterpiece for me dude  
TG: sweet of you  
EB: thanks! i wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for your bro being in the hospital and all. i'm not THAT caring, hehehe :B  
TG: i know its difficult to endure the pain that the delicious cakes bring you  
TG: but stay strong  
TG: maybe the infliction that your taste buds suffer through will go away soon and youll be able to enjoy cake like a normal fucking human being  
EB: oh shush >:B  
EB: i'll be over in maybe 15 minutes with the cupcakes!  
TG: thanks man  
TG: you are a lifesaver  
EB: no problem, dave! see you soon!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:21 --

Your name is Dave Strider, and John Egbert is almost too fucking adorable for words. His dorky-ass glasses magnify his already-large blue eyes, and his enormous buck teeth give him an innocent, childlike look. His black hair is always in bedhead form, but it suits him. He's small, and slim, and snorts when he laughs, and he's adorable. More often than not, you find yourself wanting to kiss the shit out of him.

Not to mention that he's bringing you baked goods, for free. Shit doesn't get much cuter than that. Or maybe that's just your stomach talking; the details don't really matter to you all that much.

You glance at your computer screen. John's name has blipped off your chumroll, but Rose is online. So you tap out a message to her.

TG: what up lalonde  
TG: ive got a surprise for you

Her response is quick.

TT: ...  
TT: Strider, I'm not sure if you're aware, but we are communicating using a computer program.  
TT: We can't exchange material things.  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: im plenty aware of that piece of fucking important info lalonde  
TG: its not anything material anyway  
TG: ive got a crush on a guy and i need help  
TG: somethin like that

You regret pressing the enter button as soon as you do. Now, you want to slam your head against your desk. This was an awful idea, and you're regretting everything in your life that has led you up to this point. Next time Lalonde sees you in real life, she's probably going to look at you, and give you a knowing fucking smirk.

God, you hate it when she does that.

Quickly, you add more.

TG: you get to psychoanalyze me  
TG: congrats  
TG: i am a fucking pintata of homoness and you get to hit me until all the homo is spread along the ground for the world to see  
TG: hey look homo on the ground lets go look at it  
TG: will you look at that dave likes a dude  
TT: I see you're regretting your decision in telling me this.  
TG: yep

Her response comes slower than her previous ones.

TT: Dave, this isn't news.  
TT: I've known about your crush on John for a very long time.  
TT: You could not have been less obvious about it if you had put up a billboard in front of his house.

You're completely speechless.

TG: okay what  
TG: hang on just a fucking sec  
TG: does he know  
TT: No. I kept it to myself, of course.  
TG: good god lalonde how the fuck did you even find out  
TT: I have eyes. They work pretty well.  
TG: oh shut up  
TG: well then how does egbert not know  
TG: if it was as obvious as you say it was  
TT: John is lacking twenty-twenty vision. Not just literally, but in the ways of observation as well. He's blissfully unaware.  
TG: phew  
TG: lalonde  
TT: Yes, Dave. My lips are sealed.  
TG: good  
TG: because that is on my list of things john definitely does not need to know about  
TT: This should be interesting.  
TT: I'm rather intrigued as to how this will play out.  
TG: yes  
TG: my mancrush is entertainment for your weird therapist mind  
TG: have fun picking apart my gay ass and giggling about it to whoever the fuck you talk to  
TT: Dave, I know you're under a lot of stress, what with Dirk being in the hospital.  
TT: I'm sorry that my attitude may have made you think that this is all just entertainment for me.  
TT: I admit, the way I said that made it look sort of like it was, but I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.  
TT: I actually want to help you.

This really makes you stop and look.

TG: rose

Your fingers hover over the keys as you bite your lip, unsure of what to say.

TG: thanks  
TG: seriously  
TG: i know im acting like a humongous dick right now  
TG: but i guess youre right  
TG: my brother is just  
TG: he raised me yknow  
TT: Yes, I understand what you're trying to say.  
TT: I also know that talking to people about your emotions isn't your strong suit.  
TT: So you can talk to me if you want. Don't feel like you're being forced to tell me how you feel.  
TG: yeah i get that  
TG: anyways egbert is bringing me cupcakes in like half an hour  
TG: you wanna come over and partake in this wonderful occurrence  
TT: Is it alright if Kanaya comes as well? She's coming over in about five minutes, and I'm sure she could use it.  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: johns dad knows how much i like cake  
TG: hell probably send john over with like eight fucking dozen  
TT: It wouldn't surprise me.  
TT: And I've got to go as well; Kanaya just rang my doorbell.  
TG: see ya lalonde  
TG: get that v  
TT: Mature of you, Dave.  
TT: Remember that I'm here for you to talk to if you need it.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:28 --

You breathe out heavily, pushing up your shades and rubbing a hand over your eyes. God...

Pushing away from your desk, you get up from your desk chair and open the door. As you trudge towards the stairs, you hear a whoop from downstairs. That's most likely Jade. She and Jake are probably playing HALO 4 again.

When you get downstairs, Jake throws down his controller. "Confound it," he chortles good-naturedly. "Jade is far too excellent at this game!"

"Mhm," you grumble, by way of a response. "Listen, John, Rose, and Kanaya are gonna be coming over pretty soon. John's got cupcakes."

Jade's face instantly brightens. "Ooh!"

You nod, and look at Jake.

"Well'at sounds great to me!" he responds cheerily, as Jade fist-pumps the air. "We're going to visit Dirk today, though; d'you think John might like to tag along? Say 'ello to your brother?"

You half-shrug. "Maybe." You think Dirk will probably say something like So this is the guy you've been wantin' to bang for so long? Has th' sexual tension b'tween you two finally been resolved? but eh, who cares. "He probably will," you respond, ignoring the tightening in your chest that comes with the mention of your brother.

Jake grins widely. "Right! When should they be turning up, then?"

"Soon," you say, in a non-committal tone.

Jake leaves to go to the restroom upstairs, as Jade squeals and spins in a circle, wobbling slightly. "Eeeee! It'll be so nice to see Kanaya and Rose again!" You nod as she continues. "I mean, they're super happy together, and lesbians are the cutest thing. Right, Dave?" she asks excitedly.

"Yeah. Funny, I'd never seen Lalonde smile before she met Maryam," you crack.

Jade rocks back and forth on her heels. "I know, it's so great!" But she stops, and looks at you. Her smile fades slowly. "Dave, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, Harley," you lie. "Just feeling kinda sick, is all."

Jade frowns, then pouts. "You su-u-u-ure?" she presses, squinting slightly.

"Yep. Totally," you say, trying to sound as cool as possible. You can tell she isn't buying it.

"Well, okay," Jade says, still frowning at you.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Thanking baby Jesus that this conversation doesn't have to continue (Jade is like the sister you never had, but sometimes, she can almost read you too well), you walk to the door, and pull it open.

Egbert's adorable frigging face is looking back at you, a giant tray of cupcakes in his hands and a giant grin on his face. And seeing him is like a breath of fresh air. Like you finally have enough oxygen.

Shit, that was dorky, you think, and almost laugh at how stupid you sound. But then John speaks. "Well? Aren't you gonna let me in?" he says, and giggles.

Honest to god giggles.

"Get your scrawny ass in here, ya derp," you snigger, rubbing a fist onto his head, mussing his hair.

"Agh, Dave, I have cupcakes in my hands--Eek! Sto-op!" he laughs, nearly dropping them.

"Oh shit, you're right, we gotta get 'em outta the target range," you say, and whisk them away to put them onto the counter, John skipping along behind you.

"Dave, what did you even mean by 'target ra--Aah!"

You tackle him to the couch, barely missing Jade, as she doubles over laughing. You run your fingers over his small body, making sure to spend extra time tickling his stomach as he convulses, wheezing with laughter. "Da-a-ave!! Stop--" He dissolves into peals of more laughter, glasses askew, as you wiggle your fingers at his armpits. "Okay okay okay! Uncle! Uncle!" he calls, and you finally let up as he pants on the floor, holding his abs.

Jade wipes her eyes, still giggling. You sit up, kind of sweaty. "God, that was super gay," you chuckle, straightening your shades as John props himself up on his elbows.

You stretch out, and close your eyes, thinking about what the fuck just happened. You just tickled John Egbert, your longtime crush and best friend. And oh my god, why would you even do that? That's just...You don't even have words to describe what--

WOAH OKAY NO.

You leap about a foot in the air as you feel fingers tracing over the bottom of your foot, kicking widely. "Egbert goddammit don't you fucki--"

"Shouldn't have tickled me without expecting retaliation, Dave!" he cries jovially, dodging your flying feet as Jade howls with laughter, her glasses tilting on her face.

"I'LL GET IT!!!" she bellows, as the doorbell sounds from the front hall. She sprints to the door-- in heels, how the fuck --and throws it open, crowing with delight at the sight of the two girls.

Rose struts into the kitchen, Kanaya on her arm and Jade trailing behind her, chattering up a storm.

She flashes you a small smirk. Glaring in her direction, you tilt your chin in her direction, reprimanding her silently. She only smirks winder, and Kanaya kisses her on the cheek where her dimple blossoms.

Kanaya is a tall, Asian girl, with piercing green eyes to rival English's, and black lipstick. From the way she looks at Lalonde, you can tell that she loves Rose a lot; no sloppy PDA necessary.

John leaps up from the couch. "Rose! Hi!" He skitters over and gives her a giant hug. "I haven't seen you in forever!"

"Hi, John," she says, in her melodic voice, slight arms wrapping around his back.

Even though you know Rose has a girl of her own, you can't help but feel a slight twinge of jealousy.

As John pulls away, he laughs. "How are you? I notice you've met someone?" He places extra emphasis on the word met.

"This is Kanaya," Rose says, motioning towards her. Kanaya brings her hand up and gives a small wave, smiling slightly.

"Very nice to meet you, John," she said, taking his hand and shaking it. Her voice is high and clear, and it sounds sort of like she's deep in thought instead of making pleasant conversation. "And Dave, it's a pleasure to meet you as well." She shakes your hand, the slight smile still on her face.

Jake comes bounding down the stairs, shouting greetings. Rose smiles when she sees him. You have a suspicion that Kanaya is only smiling because she's looking at Rose.

You're jealous of them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY IT'S SHORT I WAS SICK

"Hey, Dirk," you push out, cursing your voice for breaking so much. "It's been a while, hasn't it."

"It has indeed, little bro," he responds softly. "Is Jake here too?"

You shake your head and smile. He hasn't changed a bit, you think, somewhat relieved. "I swear, you're like obsessed with him. If you guys are gonna fuck, do it quietly, goddammit. And not on the kitchen counter this time. Or in my bed. My bed is off-fucking-limits," you warn.

"Y'know, I _would_ , but my hip is broken," he says, smirking. "And so is my left arm. And one of my ribs. And my right leg. Now answer my question."

"He's here, and so is John," you say casually, cool as a fucking cucumber (no you totally aren't blushing at the thought of you and John fucking in Dirk's bed and what the fuck brain was that really necessary and where the fuck did that even come from and how the fuck are your horomones so fucking preteen when it comes to him).

His smirk changes into a full-blown wolfish grin. "Ahhh."

You glare at him and threaten, "Say anything, and I swear..."

"Aaw, don't be such a stick in the mud, Davey." He punches you in the shoulder softly. "Let me have my fun while I'm stuck in this dump."

You frown.

You stand up and move towards the slightly open door, not wanting to talk to him alone anymore. "John, Jake, you guys can come in now."

Jake bounds in, cheerful as ever. "Allo, mate! How'vya been?" he asks Dirk, ruffling his hair softly.

"Well, my ribs are healing up pretty well, but they're probably gonna keep me here for a pretty long time, since both my leg and my arm are broken," Dirk says. "It would be pretty fuckin' difficult to get around."

"Ah," Jake says, mood slightly deterred. "Well, get better soon, Dirk!" Brightening, he smiles mischievously. "I look forward to adventuring with you again soon!"

John then trots through the open door. "Hey, Dirk! I'm John Egbert, Dave's friend!" he says brightly, extending a hand for Dirk to shake.

Dirk smiles wryly as he shakes John's hand. "Yeah, Dave's told me a lot about you." He sends a quick look in your direction. You glare.

"Has he?" John says, oblivious (thankfully). "Well, Dave! I am flattered!" he says, placing a hand over his heart. "I feel thoroughly wooed!" He's grinning so widely, so blindingly, that you're glad you have your shades.

You smirk. "You're meeting my parent, John. Now we have to go to dinner, and pretend I'm not already having your baby, only for Bro to pull me aside at the end of the night and tell me to 'stop seeing that Egbert boy, he's trouble,'" you quip, ignoring the pang in your chest. John giggles, Jake chortles, and Dirk shoots you another side look. This time, you probably deserve it.

"Hey, Dirk, what's your favorite flavor of cupcake?" John pipes up.

Dirk is completely deadpan. "Semen."

You sigh loudly. "God fucking dammit, I knew you were gonna say that. Say a legit flavor, Dirk," you admonish him, as Jake snorts with laughter.

Dirk waggles his eyebrows. "You've never been to college, little dude. Semen is most definitely a 'legit flavor.'"

"Cheers to that!" Jake crows, slapping his knee.

***

Jake is driving you and John back to his place, when John turns to you, a dopey grin on his face. "You ready to bake?"

"What...?" you say, perplexed. And then, it dawns on you. "Oh. Oh no, Egbert..."

Jake grins wildly. "I am most certainly ready, mate!" he shouts, tapping the steering wheel excitedly.

Exasperated, you say, "Egbert, I can't bake." You'd found that out when you and John got together last year. John had tried to teach you how to make cupcakes, and because you were too fucking love-blind, you agreed. Needless to say, it did not go well.

John keeps grinning. "C'mon, Dave, it'll be fun!"

"Ah, Strider, don't be such a spoilsport!" Jake croons happily, turning a corner. "This'll be a doozy!"

"Yeah? You ever baked before?"

He turns around and raises an eyebrow. "I lived with John's older sister for three years. I've picked up a few things!"

You wag a finger in his direction jokingly. "Now don't you get sassy with me, English."

He says smugly, "I will be sassy to whomever I wish, Strider," and turns back towards the road.

"No wonder my brother is obsessed with him," you murmur into John's ear. He giggles and nods.

"I heard that!" Jake snaps, and, you notice, his ears are bright red.

You grin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AN SO FUCKING SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE AND THAT THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT AS SHIT SOMETIMES I SUCK AT WRITING AND MY ASSHOLE FATHER IS AN ASSHOLE OK BYEEEE

Jake pulls into the parking lot of a random Kroger, saying jovially, "The quest begins!" John whoops and high-fives him.

"Why. Are. We doing this," you grumble, massaging your temples.

"We're making cupcakes for your bro, Dave. This is happening," John says firmly.

You groan, "But _why."_

"Because, mate, Dirk'll appreciate 'em! And you can tell he detests that fucking place!" Jake says, grinning back at you. "So! We're gonna make the man feel a bit better about his situation." He finally finds a parking spot, and pulls into it.

"Operation Dir-Kakes is a go, team!" John shouts.

"Oh my _god."_

As soon as the car stops, he and Jake leap out of the car, talking and laughing. Silently, you follow them into the store.

***

Two hours later, you're cleaning frosting out of your armpit and glaring at Jake through your shades.

"It was an accident, mate!" he says earnestly. "I was aimin' for John, right? You were just in the way!"

"Yeah, okay," you grumble. "Who thought this was a good idea again? John?" You swivel towards him, quirking an eyebrow. (It feels slightly heavy because there's frosting in it. You wipe it off, scowling.)

He scratches the back of his neck. "Heh..."

"Ah, Dave, it's alright! At least the cupcakes turned out okay!" Jake pipes up, ever the optimist (even with cake batter under his fingernails).

Since you couldn't make semen cupcakes, for obvious reasons, you settled on orange cupcakes with orange Pop Rocks on top, because your bro loves orange soda.

And it's true. They actually look pretty good.

So, you agree on taking them to him next Saturday when you visited him again.

Rose and Kanaya are on the sofa, looking at you, Jake, and John with matching amused expressions. You point a warning finger at them. "Don't. Say. _Anything."_ Kanaya giggles, then quickly covers her mouth, smiling.

"Hilarious," you grumble.

After everything (and everyone) is cleaned up, John says he needs to go back to his dad's house, because they're going to have dinner together. You say your goodbyes, a pit of bitterness curdling in your stomach.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:47 --

TG: hey  
CG: WHAT.   
TG: just saying hello vantas  
TG: jeez  
CG: FALSE. THE FUCK DO YOU WANT.  
TG: nothing jesus  
CG: UH-HUH.  
TG: ugh  
TG: maybe im having boy trouble ok shut up  
CG: AND I SHOULD CARE BECAUSE...?  
TG: because you love me  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
TG: egberts are beautiful creatures vantas  
TG: they require a massive amount of study and observation to truly understand  
CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.  
TG: like egberts a fuckin rare mammal and im like homie attenborough or something  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: OKAY, JESUS, I'LL FUCKING HELP. GOD.  
CG: BUT WHY AM I GOING TO BE ANY HELP HERE? YOU KNOW I'M AROMANTIC, ASSHOLE.  
TG: because you watch stupid movies about stupid heteronormative shit and its stupid but its all i got  
TG: stupid  
CG: I DIDN'T THINK YOUR BRAIN WAS BIG ENOUGH TO KNOW THE WORD "HETERONORMATIVE".  
TG: shut up  
TG: okay you know what  
TG: this is shit  
TG: bye asshole

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:49 --

CG: WHAT THE HELL.  
CG: OKAY?

Jake opens your door in only a towel, and says proudly, "I made us mac n' cheese," then leaves.

You stare at the place where he just was, and yell in his general direction, "Was that necessary?"

"Yeees!" he sings.

Dinner is kind of quiet. You must look pretty angry, because Jake and Jade are a little worried about you. You don't like making them worry, as they've been nothing but kind to you. But you can't hide it because you left your shades upstairs.

"Mate," Jake says softly, "What's with you? You okay?"

"You seem a little under the weather!" Jade adds, her wide green eyes clear with concern.

"Nah. 'M fine. Just salty about some shit with Karkat. He's kind of being a dick." You don't know why you say that, as Karkat didn't even really do anything.

"Why do you make it such a habit to talk to my exes?" Jade says, giggling a little.

"You talk to your exes," Jake reminds Jade, pointing at her accusingly with his fork.

Jade rolls her eyes. "Dave doesn't count! And besides, he's my friend, and he lives with us! I can't not talk to him! And Karkat is my friend too!"

"And English, you know we weren't the greatest couple. We were always just friends."

"Yeah, yeah, Jade's aro and you're gay-ro, I know!" Jake grins at you. "Why'd you even go out, then, if you didn't even like each other? Romantically, and all that?"

"She was my beard," you say, poking at your food.

"What about Karkat, though?" Jake asks curiously, stuffing some mac n' cheese into his mouth. "Isn' he arr alth wew?"

"Use your words, Jake!" Jade reprimands him.

He swallows. "Isn't Mister Vantas aro as well? Because I was under the impression that he was."

"Yeah, he is. He was actually my first boyfriend before I realized I was aromantic, and then Dave asked me to cover for him before he had the courage to come out." Jade hums happily. "I don't know why, but I really like mac n' cheese with hot sauce! Good call, Jake!"

"What the _fuck,_ Harley."

"Hush, Strider, you love us," Jake says merrily. He reaches over and taps you on the nose.

You say nothing and take a bite of artificial goodness.

Today just isn't your day.

***

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 22:31 --

TG: hey egnerd  
EB: oh hey dave!  
EB: what's up?  
TG: nothin  
TG: just wanted to talk to you

You stop typing and immediately slap a hand to your forehead. "FUCK."

EB: oh!  
EB: about what?  
TG: i dunno  
TG: apparently harley and english like hot sauce on their mac n cheese  
TG: so theres that  
EB: actually that doesn't sound half bad!  
TG: oh my god why does everyone like that shit  
EB: i don't know, it just sounds good!  
TG: jesus christ  
TG: you learn something new every day  
TG: apparently this is a dumbass pbs kids program slash shitty infomercial  
TG: hey kids put hot sauce on your mac n cheese  
TG: next put chocolate syrup on your mashed potatoes   
TG: and bacon grease in your apple juice  
EB: okay, this is really gross haha  
TG: exactly  
TG: and so is fucking hot sauce on your mac n cheese  
EB: to prove you wrong, i'm gonna go make myself some mac and cheese and put hot sauce on it  
EB: and i will eat it  
EB: and i will enjoy it!  
EB: hang on  
TG: be prepared to be let down

You barely notice the stupid smile on your face until you see your reflection in your computer screen. You immediately scowl.

It's not that you don't like Egbert. He's funny and dorky and kind and he can make you feel happy and like you're the best thing in the goddamn world.

It's just that he's not gay. And you shouldn't be wasting your time with someone who can't fucking like you back, dammit.

You sigh. Too bad you don't _want_ anyone else.

EB: back. it was gross. :(  
TG: told you


	4. Chapter 4

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now that it's happening, you're regretting it. So. Hard.

"Dave, stop trying to leave, please. You promised," Rose chides patiently, patting the spot on the sofa next to her.

"I feel like you're gonna sacrifice me or somethin'," you respond. "Help, for I am a damsel in distress, stereotype, stereotype, et cetera--"

"You're rambling again," she says, tapping her fingers on her notepad. "Just listen to me for a minute, please."

You stop.

You slowly turn around, and trudge to the spot on the couch next to her.

You sit down.

"Thank you. Now, if I'm honest, you definitely aren't handling your crush on John very well. Don't," she cuts you off as you start to protest, "start talking yet. Your turn comes after. Believe me, I know what it's like to have a crush on someone of your same sex. And things seem pretty awful at the time. People judging you, your reputation being ruined, all those things. But talking about how you feel certainly does help. I know, because I tried it."

You don't say anything.

"I know you don't enjoy talking about your feelings to anyone. Not even your family. But keeping your feelings bottled up will not help you. And you don't have to tell me anything today. Just keep that in mind."

You stand up and leave her apartment, passing Kanaya and Roxy in the kitchen. They tell you hello, but you ignore them

Rose is great. You love her, and even though she can be infuriating sometimes, you know you'd still be the asshole you were three years ago without her.

You're still an asshole, but kind of less so.

But being told you're doing everything wrong isn't exactly what you want to hear at 10 AM on a goddamn Sunday.

As you're walking down the street, your Pesterchum application pings against your thigh. You pull your phone out of your pocket and unlock it.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:16 --

EB: HEY, STRIDER.

Your eyebrow rises above your shades.

TG: vantas what on gogs green earth  
TG: did you murder egbert and steal his computer or something  
TG: shame  
TG: you were growing on me too  
EB: I'M AT EGBERTS, AND I FORGOT MY PHONE, AND JOHN WON'T LET ME LOG OUT OF HIS PESTERCHUM ACCOUNT, SO I HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH HIS STUPID HANDLE FOR RIGHT NOW.  
EB: UGH, ANYWAY. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS, I'M SORRY.  
TG: for what  
EB: FOR MAKING YOU UPSET AND BEING A PISSWAD YESTERDAY.  
EB: THAT'S WHAT TEREZI SAID, ANYWAYS.  
EB: I WAS HAVING A SHITTY DAY. NO EXCUSE FOR BEING A DICK, BUT WHATEVER. NO HARD FEELINGS. CAN WE MOVE ON NOW?  
TG: wow vantas you really know how to make a girl feel special  
TG: and yeah sirw

You just walked into a pole.

TG: sure  
EB: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, STRIDER.  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: how did you  
TG: never mind  
TG: lets let bygones be bygones or whatever the fuck that means  
EB: GREAT.  
EB: ALSO, EGBERT GOT DARED BY TEREZI TO WEAR A SKIRT FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. I THINK YOU'RE GONNA WANNA SEE THIS.

What.

What.

TG: vantas oh my fucking god  
TG: are you kidding me  
TG: out of the fucking blue with that valuble bit of info there  
EB: EGBERT IS A DUMBASS, BUT EVEN I WILL ADMIT THAT HIS ASS LOOKS FANTASTIC RIGHT NOW.  
TG: holy shit fuck son of a bitch  
TG: you cant just say that  
TG: you gotta warn me  
TG: jesus christ

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] image file IFUCKINGTOLDYOU.png at 10:19 --

You open the file, fingers totally not shaking a little. In the picture, John is glaring at Karkat, mouth open in silent protest. And holy fuck. The skirt is short and tight, and you can see the ends of his blue-and-white boxer shorts. His ass looks damn fine, as was expected. Even though you expected this, you still feel a blush creep up your neck. Terezi is in the background, rolling on the ground laughing.

TG: holy shitting christ on a bicycle  
TG: warn me next time  
TG: but dude  
EB: I FUCKING KNOW.  
EB: COME OVER. TEREZI HASN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER, AND SHE WANTS TO HANG OUT.   
EB: PLUS, EGBERT'S BUTT IS IN A SKIRT. IT ACTUALLY DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO SCRATCH MY OWN EYES OUT AND FILL THE GAPING SOCKETS WITH BATTERY ACID.  
TG: im coming back from lalondes place

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] image file COMEONASSHOLEJUSTGETOVERHERE.png at 10:20 --

TG: oh my god  
TG: hang on im turning onto the street corner  
TG: see you in a minute  
EB: BYE, ASSHOLE.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:20 --

You shove your phone into your pocket and start hurrying towards Egbert's house, significantly faster than before.

Soon, you're knocking on Egbert's door. As you wait for someone to answer the door, you look disbelievingly at his slimer pogo, which you admittedly thought was a myth for a while, until he'd sent you photos.

What a nerd, you think, grinning to yourself.

Suddenly, someone who must be John's dad opens the door. He has a white hat on and a pipe in his mouth, and the same kind blue eyes as John. "Hello. You must be Dave." He extends a hand for you to shake. You take it, half-smiling at him. "John and his friends are upstairs. I will also be finished with a cake in a few minutes, so I will bring that upstairs soon." He steps aside, and you go into the house. You nod at him, and head up the stairs.

As you walk, you can hear someone who sounds suspiciously like Vantas, yelling, "OKAY, NO. I FUCKING REFUSE. THE SKIRT WAS EGBERT'S THI--PYROPE GET THE _FUCK_ OFF ME."

Terezi cackles in response, and then you open the door where the sound is coming from.

Karkat is being restrained by John, who you cannot look at right now; no fucking way. Anyways, Karkat is squirming in John's hold and snarling at Terezi, who is trying to wrestle another skirt onto him.

You're beginning to wonder where she gets all of them.

Karkat grins savagely at you, knowing you're thinking of John. "Told you, Strider." His leg snaps away from Terezi, who   
cackles delightedly. _"PYROPE."_

"Heyyyy, Stridork!" Terezi says, grinning at you. Her red. tear-shaped shades lie forgotten on John's bed. Her turquoise eyes are covered in webbed cataracts, dulling the color, and the light has her squinting. "What brings you to--ow, fucker, that hurt!"

"I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL," Karkat bellows. He tends to do that when he's pissed, which is more often than not.

John lets Karkat go, pouting. "You're a party pooper."

You succumb to your aching will and look at John.

"Hi, Dave!" He's smiling at you innocently, his light blue shirt a bit wrinkled from fighting with Karkat. He seems to remember what he's wearing suddenly and blushes. "Terezi made me wear it. For the rest of the day, too!"

"I don't mind," you say slowly. His grin falters a little, and you want to fucking explode.

Shit.


End file.
